At the young age of 12 was the first time I encountered Porn. It was love at first sight. It was me and my friend, we were having a sleepover, we had a laptop, some internet connection, and the best part was that his parents were away. So what were we to do?
He put on some videos on Pornhub and told me to check them out. At the time I had no clue about Porn, maybe I heard it here or there, but never used it before. I didn t even know how to masturbate either, I’m sure I guestioned what this thing in between my legs was, but had no clue how to use it.
He showed me using hand gestures and I think I understood. Well the night was eventful, I don’t remember if I had an orgasm or not, but I remember the feeling of a high that came over me when I watched the Porn clips.
5 years later I became an expert. I knew how to get off and how to do it quick. When the parents were gone I’d do it by the table. When they were home though I’d do it in the bathroom, or during late nights under the blanket.
It was an exciting time. Fapping and all, but the fun didn’t last forever. Over time something didn’t feel right. There was a developing anxiety that was coming to surface. I started to feel anxious around people, I felt a sort of shame or guilt. I stared to isolate myself from people. I skipped hangouts, classes, and even family events. It was a strange time in my life. Eventually things got so bad that I couldn’t even attend school and I ended up dropping out.
A lot of the time s I blamed my circumstances for making me feel this way of the fact that English wasn't my first language. But the truth was that I was addicted to Porn and this was isolating me from society, friends and even my own family.
I needed help. Things in my life weren’t going too well. I had severe anxiety and I was losing the ability to connect with others. I was becoming completely pathetic and useless to society. my days were beign spent just fapping away, and wasting my precious life energy on this shitty addiction.
But help eventually came. It was one of my close friends that introduced me to a community called Nofap - on Reddit. It’s basically a community of dudes who masturbate too often and came to this community seeking help, or to find some commadrates. My purpose was the same - I had a desire to stop wacking so much. I really couldn’t face the fact that I would spend hours and hours of my day just fapping away to my laptop screen.
The main theme of the community was: how many days can you stop for? And so I went at it. At the very beginning I'd make it to a few days without masturbating. I don't remember the last time that i haven't masturbated for a few days, so it was definitely a strange feeling to even stop for a day or two.
But the cycle repeated, I'd make it to 2 days or further, but then all the sudden I had the laptop infront of me and I was on my way to failure. After months and months of trying it felt like no progress was made whatsoever. But I kept at it... I even challenged myself to record a 30 Nofap journal, I actually tried a few times, and failed before even getting to a week.
I knew that something was wrong, I was always coming back to the same feeling. I'd make it pass a few days, but them all the sudden I was back in the same place - with my cock between my hands and reaching over to find a napkin so that I could wipe myself off.
At one point I realized that the nofap community wasn't really doing it for me. I blamed them for not giving me the 'solution' I needed.
Later on I found the pornfree community, again a bunch of dudes seeking help. but this community had quite a different overview. They weren't trying to overcome masturbation, but instead they focused soley on Porn addiction, unlike the Nofap community which focused on overcoming their addiction to masturbation. I found this quite interesting because for the past few years my focus had been to quit masturbating, but now the focus was to overcome watching Porn, which to me made a lot more sense.
The guilt that I was feeling was coming from the fact that I was watching someone who I didn't know and masturbating to them, and doing it in a secluded, suspicious way. the sole act of masturbation wasn't bad, it was actually a natural need, but adding the equation of Porn to it is what made it 'so' bad. And obviously masturbating too often is also harmful, so don't forget.
This ignited a big change within me because now my focus changed to reduce, and eventually quit watching Porn. I saw masturbation as natural again, and now just needed to get myself away from the world of Pornography.
But how would this be possible? If Porn is so accessible, we literally carry Porn in the pockets of our jeans, do you get it? Our phones.
Again it took years, I'd say it took around 4 more years to truly defeat this monster. I tried Porn blockers, I tried accountability buddies, I tried to punish myself by giving myself fines every time I'd watch Porn, I studied the addiction, I thought I knew everything that there was to know. But, the days always winded themself back to 0.
Over time I started to notice patterns though. Every time I failed I would notice something that I hadn't noticed before.
- Don't use your phone without intention.
- Don't take your phone to bed, the bathroom, or any isolated environment.
- Keep yourself busy with projects (you watch it when you have nothing to do).
These little realisations started to add up and I began to understand this addictive behaviour a bit better. I was making it further than ever before.
But here is what actually made the biggest difference. I began to meditate regularly, and through doing this I was gaining awareness around my actions, and this allowed me to notice the patterns that I fell into before PMOing (Porn Masturbation Orgasm?)
I was not yet full rid of the addiction, but as the months passed I noticed big changes within myself. I was feeling more energy, more confidence and most of all much more clear. My anxiety wasn't bothering me much any more, things were going good.
This was the final fronteer.
It was time to quit porn for good. I hit my 23 year, had big opportunities coming my way and didn't need to be distracted and distorted by something so petty. I was hitting streaks of months, but there still would be times when the addiction would catch me off guard and I'd be back in the world of chaos for a few days.
I was living in Kraków, Poland at the time. I had moved away from America that year and was on a path of changing my life completely. I had one of those stressful days, overthinking life and spending too much time inside. The stress turned into mindless internet browsing. There they were, the nudes that I was so eagerly looking to find. I clicked on one, which lead me to the next, and on. An hour later, cock in hand, napkins on the floor, and I was feeling pathetic. I think I came a few times, it wasn't good - the pleasure was just pain now.
I got up, put on my blue jacket, grabbed my phone and popped some earphones in and headed outside. The weather was cool, it was starting to get dark out - not many people out.
I walked around the block, hit record and started speaking.
"I've been sitting there and watching porn for the past hour or so, when instead I was suppose to work on that business idea, what the fuck!"
"Why the fuck am I doing this to myself over and over again? Always going back to this shitty addiction, making myself feel like this?"
I started thinking back to the past and how I always come back to the same place - always bringing myself down to this insecure and anxious way of being.
"Insecure, anxious, always back to the same place. Why do I keep on doing this?"
And in that moment a realisation hit me. I'm doing this intentionally, I come back to this way of being because it is my neutral state - my neutral state is to be in anxiety, in stress, in negativity.
We all have a default state where our body or the subconscious feels at ease. It can be chaos, it can be tranquility - depends on that environment you were raised in, but we all have a default state of being. And mine was chaos and anxiety because that's the environment I was raised in.
It was crazy how clear it was. When I noticed this within myself, I become hyper aware of the truth and it was like the chains were lifted and I was free.
Now a few months after I'm doing really well, I haven't binged at all, if I watch porn it's either for joy or to learn something, but I'm in control. I have a girlfriend, and the sex is getting better and better. Porn is no longer something I have to fight, the chains have been lifted and I am free.
The way I have overcome this addiction is through experience. It wasn't one realisation that changed everything but a bunch of little realisation packed together that really made the change, as well as implementing daily practices that keep me aware, and on track so that I don't fall back into my 'old ways' of being.
Here are some thing you can implement yourself to overcome your addiction, or begin to overcome it.
1.
Learn about the addiction and what it is doing to you psychologically and physiologically.
(for starters)
Read the SAA book (a branch of AAA) and do all of the lessons.
(https://saa-recovery.org/literature/sex-addicts-anonymous-green-book-saas-basic-text/)
2. Have a purpose for why you want to overcome your addiction - should be something really meaningful.
3. Have an awareness practice, which grounds you and brings you back to the now.
meditation
journaling
a daily walk, yoga, exercise
4. Spend time doing things you love
work on projects
hang with friends or family
learn new skills
travel to new places
5. Help someone else overcome their addiction - whether through youtube videos or in person
Bonu
And lastly realise that your addiction is only temporary and you will fail many times, but as long as you get up and continue you'll eventually overcome this.